Pleasing none of the people, all of the time.
Posts tagged future
Good times with oil.
12 years ago
Oh oil, remember the good times we’ve had? Passing the drivers exam, our first car, the road trip to Mexico; you and I have had some memorable times. While remeniscinggg is nice, I need to move on, and I think its best if we both see other fuels. I don’t want to hurt you, but I feel we are drifting apart. You are very career driven, rich new friends, practically a higher demographic; $100 a barrel, you’ve made it, Mr. and Mrs. Oil must be very proud. You are moving so fast and it’s impossible to keep up, people are fighting over you and it’s impossible to match the competition. Thats not for me, I had fun at first, we could spend a lot of free time together, we could just go in the car and go for a drive, just because we felt like it. Our relationship used to be about freedom and the open road, now everything requires planning. I don’t like having to live to my life around yours. No matter how much effort I put in, or what changes, you always seem to stay the same. The high maintainence lifestyle i can no long accomodate either, even when you started needing lubricant, which was a stretch at first, the coolants, filters, its just too much.
Oil, I have a confession to make, I haven’t been entirely faithful. It all started on the internet, as a little innocent fun, an escape from your never ending demands. I started off just looking, mostly at fuels that were out of my reach, I never imagined anything would ever happen – just a silly fantasy really. Can you imagine me with a solar car, or even a fuel cell? But everytime I danced with a notion, and came back to you – it was never the same, the spark we had wasn’t there and our relationship became dry and lifeless.
Then I met someone, someone that reignited that original spark. Sure there are a lot of rumors flying around, but its as much of a surprise to everyone and it is to you or me, but it all makes sense. Remember my childhood sweetheart? You know her. Thats right, batteries. No, it’s not like that anymore, not just toys, and never putting out enough, she’s really turned her life around. She’s lost lots of weight, and even though shes seemingly everywhere; cameras, laptops, phones; she always manages to have time for me and my needs. Shes getting off heal coal addiction, and takes her needs constructively, getting her fix from a day in the sun or even a windy day. It’s really refreshing to see someone who is so independent and grounded. And while she can go anywhere she needs to, she is always happy at home, wherever she wants it to be. I’ll probably move out with her soon, maybe we’ll get a car on our own, you know, built ourselves. Maybe one day, we’ll get one built by a proper car maker, but until then we are happy in our own creation. As long as we are together that is what matters.
I know this is a bad way to end it, and I hope we can still be friends. You’ll be back in action in no time anyways, you have your friends. I know in a couple weeks there will be a rich, handsome sportscar owner that will really appreciate you, fulfilling all your needs. Even as your career gets less and les mainstream, but I can’t just get batteries out of my head, and I forsee a long and happy life together.
Oh oil, remember the good times we’ve had? Passing the drivers exam, our first car, the road trip to Mexico; you and I have had some memorable times. While reminiscing is nice, I need to move on, and I think its best if we both see other fuels. I don’t want to hurt you, but I feel we are drifting apart. You are very career driven, rich new friends, practically a higher demographic; $100 a barrel, you’ve made it, Mr. and Mrs. Oil must be very proud. You are moving so fast and it’s impossible to keep up, people are fighting over you and it’s impossible to match the competition. That’s not for me, I had fun at first, we could spend a lot of free time together, we could just go in the car and go for a drive, just because we felt like it. Our relationship used to be about freedom and the open road, now everything requires planning. I don’t like having to live to my life around yours. No matter how much effort I put in, or what changes, you always seem to stay the same. The high maintenance lifestyle i can no long accommodate either, even when you started needing lubricant, which was a stretch at first, the coolants, filters, its just too much.
Oil, I have a confession to make, I haven’t been entirely faithful. It all started on the Internet, as a little innocent fun, an escape from your never ending demands. I started off just looking, mostly at fuels that were out of my reach, I never imagined anything would ever happen – just a silly fantasy really. Can you imagine me with a solar car, or even a fuel cell? But every time I danced with a notion, and came back to you – it was never the same, the spark we had wasn’t there and our relationship became dry and lifeless.
Then I met someone, someone that reignited that original spark. Sure there are a lot of rumors flying around, but its as much of a surprise to everyone and it is to you or me, but it all makes sense. Remember my childhood sweetheart? You know her. Thats right, batteries. No, it’s not like that anymore, not just toys, and never putting out enough, she’s really turned her life around. She’s lost lots of weight, and even though shes seemingly everywhere; cameras, laptops, phones; she always manages to have time for me and my needs. Shes getting off heal coal addiction, and takes her needs constructively, getting her fix from a day in the sun or even a windy day. It’s really refreshing to see someone who is so independent and grounded. And while she can go anywhere she needs to, she is always happy at home, wherever she wants it to be. I’ll probably move out with her soon, maybe we’ll get a car on our own, you know, built ourselves. Maybe one day, we’ll get one built by a proper car maker, but until then we are happy in our own creation. As long as we are together that is what matters.
I know this is a bad way to end it, and I hope we can still be friends. You’ll be back in action in no time anyways, you have your friends. I know in a couple weeks there will be a rich, handsome sports car owner that will really appreciate you, fulfilling all your needs. Even as your career gets less and les mainstream, but I can’t just get batteries out of my head, and I foresee a long and happy life together.
Easy Solutions #1
02 years ago
So, you’re in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn’t have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend’s house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend’s bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what’s happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it’s September 15th she will say ‘September 15th’ to which you must reply ‘No, what year is it?’
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words ‘It worked.’ Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask ‘What worked?’, even if she doesn’t ask this question it is important that you now say the words ‘(Insert Friend’s Name), I’m from the future’ in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you’ve come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part – The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It’s up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You’ve come back in time because you can’t help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn’t been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren’t about to have sex with her. You’re naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you’ve had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn’t know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren’t entirely sure if what you’ve done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
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