Posts tagged Random Ideas

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1. They should have game show week, where game show hosts compete on other game shows. Like Alex Trebek on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” or Vanna White on “The Price is (White) Right”.
2. It’s “okay” to pee in the shower while you’re standing in the shower, but not pee outside of the shower into the shower.
3. Singing the Popeye theme before drinking your Redbull gives it an extra effect.
4. Sadly, I think I’m more able to solve a problem in a video game compared to that same problem being applied to me in a real life situation. Think in the terms of using objects around you to build a bridge or something. Haha @ “Oooooooh, virtual yardwork”.
5. If you do a google image result of “buffalo soldier”, you should really just get a bunch of pictures of minotaurs.
6. I’d like to see a high speed chase featuring an ice cream truck, being chased by cops, playing the ice cream song really really really fast.
7. They should spell team, “teiam” to solve problems.
8. In the NFL, the extra point after a touchdown is scored, should be worth an extra 1 point for every 10 yards out its kicked from the 10 yard line.
9. While we’re pointlessly changing rules to sports that have been going by tradition for years, the last few minutes of each quarter in a NBA game should count three point shots as four point shots.
10. The only reason baseball is America’s past time is because basketball wasn’t invented yet.
11. I’m one of those people who like to stop the microwave at 0:01 if I’m near by it because it makes me feel like I’m defusing a bomb. (I actually don’t like to hear the beep)
12. Listening to NPR fundraisers is like listening to women argue, all they do is continually mention one thing over and over and over – and no matter what you do or say, they managed to convert what you said to that one thing.
13. I can’t tell where the line is between brand loyalty and holding a grudge.

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1. They should make water coolers that give updates about celebrities dating when you get water from them.
2. I can’t believe its not butter should sponsor venues where cover bands are playing.
3. United blood serves should give you a pint of beer for every pint of blood.
4. Cereal boxes should put a chapter of a story on or in their box every couple of weeks.
5. Breakfast in bed is way better than breakfast in chair.
6. The term baseball bat is rather redundant, there really aren’t any other types of bats. I mean theres combat, acrobat, and dingbat, but those aren’t really types of bats.
7. I’m going to carry a padlock around, so that way the next time I see someone with gauged ears, ill strap it on them, sell them the key or combo, profit.
8. Worst movie idea ever: “Speed 4: Space” (You can piece it together)
9. I’m surprised there isn’t a book called the Karma Sleeptra featuring different ways to cuddle or sleep.
10. I’d love to see Elton John shoping for reading glasses at Lenscrafters.
11. Intentionally the best or unintentionally the worst domain name for a pen shop. http://www.penisland.net/
12. I’m not entirely sure where to go with this, but the punchline is “Go Go Jason Waterfalls”.
13. I hate when food goes to waist.
14. Astonishingly, I’ve yet to see a parody or different variation of Blue Man Group. Instead of changing the color of blue, they should change the people, and appropriately name it “Blue Mayeng Group.”
15. Since there aren’t many cows in urban areas, people should dress as cows and tip people.
16. I always hear a lot about breast cancer awareness, which I guess its working. But they’re only really utilizing one of the words associate with a woman’s upper half, and only breast associates with breast cancer. To broaden their spectrum they should use slang terms of breast, allowing them more criteria to build off of. Tit cancer, jugs cancer, gozanga cancer, ect.
17. They should make a parody movie of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, featuring two flaming homosexuals, appropriately named Mr. & Mr. Smith.
18. Are all zombie gangsters Crypts? (Booo)
19. Condoms should be next to baby food in the supermarket.
20. I wonder how well fortune tellers work if they’re drunk.
21. I’ll go see a psychic when I read in the paper “Psychic wins lottery”.
22. John Mayer: “If a man really wanted to get away with cheating on his woman, he’d store his other girls’ name in his phone as “low battery”.”
23. Why is there so much month left at the end of money?
24. Two rules for success:
    1. Don’t tell people everything you know.
    2.

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1. What are the point of mosquitoes? I don’t see how they fit into the circle of life, or the food chain. Bug spray company conspiracy.
2. They should give those guys who hold signs on street corners some ecstasy and techno music.
3. If I were a librarian, I would probably respond “in due time” to any time related question.
4. Like Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson should have his own shoe line – much less complete apparel line. He could use his moonwalkman to replace the jumpman, and instead of athletic gear, it would just be really really really flamboyant clothing. Then again every third person on the street would be wearing a thriller jacket, or a shiny glove..
5. Lifesavers are an ironic candy, seeing as the first three ingredients are sugar. Not to mention you can choke on them – but they have a hole in them which reduces the chance of choking – go figure. Of course you really reduce your chances choking, but avoiding them altogether.
6. I wonder if Prince has his unpronounceable symbol on his keyboard.
7. I think the real disadvantage of cell phones is that you can’t slam them when you hang up on someone, you only look/sound like an idiot mashing the end call button.
8. Other genres of  music other than hip-hop should have ridiculous amounts of shout-outs before they start singing, like classical or jazz. “Yo this symphony goes out to Bach, Brahms – Rossini don’t forget I forgot about you, ah ‘Thoven, you ain’t foolin no one.”
9. I would hate to find out what Milwaukee’s 2nd best tastes like.
10. Next time you travel, bring super glue. And use it on the top of barf bags. Hilarity ensues.
11. Preemptive and postemptive are both words, however emptive isn’t.
12. Guinness should do parody campaign of got milk. I wonder if there is a Guinness beer world record related to the Guinness book of world records.
13. How come only Christian holidays are the only holidays that you take pictures with dressed up strangers? You should be able to have your 5 year old child take pictures with George Washington, a leprechaun, or the headless horseman.

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1. Televised operas are typically viewed by older, mature audiences, and should be labeled TV-MA, appropriately. The reason being for “Sax” and “Violins”
2. When someone is sick with a fever, the fever should be referred to an “actual fever”, so it doesn’t get confused with the other types of fevers, jungle, cabin, ect.
3. It seems that a lot of the “tilted toward older generation cars” have tuned their image, like Cadillac and Volvo. Buick however, should retain their old people image and continue making cars with old features such as cassette players, ect.
4. I love how baseballs are made in China.
5. Depeche should be the hardest difficulty mode on Guitar Hero. WTF is depeche anyways?
6. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
7. I wonder if Batman every referred to anything being “bat-ass”, and for that matter, I wonder if Jesus ever called Joesph, “Broseph”.
8. There is lemonade and limade. There is orange, apple, grape, cranberry, and pear juice. What gives?
9. Naming hurricanes. Will someone please help me understand the madness behind hurricane naming. Why exactly is it that we feel the need to personify massive storms? I just don’t get it. So 20 mph wind is just called “wind”. And 50 mph wind is perhaps referred to as “strong wind”. But once we get in that 100+ mph category, then all of a sudden it’s Andrew, Katrina or Rita. Huh? Last time I checked we didn’t have names for tornadoes or earthquakes. Now that I think of it, living in California and all, if Floridians get to name hurricanes, then I say why not name earthquakes. Yeah! Two can play at that game. And while we’re at it, why not just name every weather pattern. I mean, after all, why stop at just hurricanes and earthquakes.
10. The question does a bear shit in the woods can be nullified by counter-asking whether or not that bear is a polar bear.
11. I like to title my documents “the world” so I feel great when I click save.
12. Fuck Nascar. They should bring back chariot racing.
13. I wonder if Canadians ever threaten to move to America.
14. People who play World of Warcraft should be referred to being “on the Wowgan”.
15. A good way of not having to tell freeloaders no for money, is to ask them for money before they ask you.

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1. As far as history is concerned the majority of coffee is served lawsuit hot. A trend emerged as flavored iced coffee, however no one prefers coffee warm. Cold or hot only. “Excuse me sir, may I have a lukewarm coffee?” is something you won’t be hearing anytime soon.
2. New terrible trend idea #9: Instead of answering “yes” to a question in which you would answer so, respond “does a bear shit in the woods” regardless the caliber of the quesition.
3. New terrible trend idea #10: Only comment people in facebook in the form of haiku.
4. The belief of white people having it better in America remains true, everyone knows that the white (man) is allowed to make the first move in chess, a further analogy this example when laundry is being done, the whites are to be washed seperately from the coloreds, and often allowed extra benefits. (reword terrible written)
5. Two things I have wanted to try as a contestant on Jeopardy. (1) Contiually keep answering questions in the wrong question form. E.G. “Who is Paris, France”, “Why is 1999″. (2) When filling in my name box, I would color in every part of the box except for my name, like so.
6. There should be an answer in Jeopardy that would be correctly responded to: “Where is ‘Where in the World is Carmen San Diego”, or for lack of a better idea “What is ‘what time is it’”. (they can’t all be winners folks)
7. Using the example from “Anchorman”, the above show would be “Where in the World is Carmen Whale’s Vagina”
8. Wikipedia states the birthrate of people being born every year around 134,000,000. In conjunction with the idiom “a sucker born every minute” that rounds out to the population being around .0034% suckers; which is a huge misrepresentation, especially in America. “a sucker born every second” would equate to roughly 24% of the population making it more seemingly accurate.
9. There should be a spinoff of the above idiom stating, “there is a sucker born again every minute”.
10. With the copius amounts of ridiculous comptetitive events, a tandem equivalent of the tour de france (or other tandem biking marathon) should be introduced, appropriately named “Tandem de France”.
11. Canada is cool, and it should be recognized by everyone. I submit that we change the saying “Canada: America’s hat.”, “Canada: America’s fedora.”.
12. While .com is the king of internet domain extensions, with the United States (.us) and Spain (.es) coming in close competition for runner-up, namely (pun intended) due to the reason they can spell random words using their extensions as a completion of words – spain sufficing for a suffix (word play intended). Although Canada can only spell 87 words with their extension (.ca), you ironically can spell Ameri.ca. Which would make for a nerd-clever motto: “Canada: You can’t spell America without Canada (.ca).”
13. A blowjob in the car, is known as roadhead. Would the equivalent of airplane and train head be known as “airhead” and “railhead” respecitvely.
14. Woman is to dingbat as man is to dingdong.
15. The “No solicitors” sign is a simple, uneffective, and lazy way to attempt to rid your home of Jehovah’s Witnesses, girl scouts, and vaccum salesman. I believe a more effective approach would be to have a tombstone on your front lawn stating as follows: Here lies Buddy, Vaccum salesman. (1950-2010)
16. I’ve thought long and hard on what I would like my tombstone to say and have narrowed it down to two choices: (1) Here lies Andy Hoho, peperony and chease” and would be engineered to be an exact replication of the tombstone from the Original Macintosh game “Oregon Trail”, the only differnce being Andy’s named would be corrected by my non-slave name; however, this would be a reference only appreciated by a few. (2) A second is a slight variant ripoff from “the Royal Tennenbaums”, equating to something where I die doing something valiant, not so much “dying from saving my family from a sinking ship” but maybe “died valiantly in WWIII (or some other war that doesn’t exist.”
17. I think this is already out there somewhere, but a third world war would have to have a very awesome subtitle “WWIII: Return of the Ally(ies)”, or something along those lines.
18. I’m becoming so anal with numbers I think I would like to die on my birthdate or at least on the 17th, on a year that is a 5 interval from my birthyear. Plus it would be courteous to people who are trying to figure out how old I was when I died. E.G.: (11-17-1984 – 11-17-2064, 5-17-2059, ect.)
19. A baby brother has emerged amongst the list of terrible inventions, in addition to the solar powered flashlight, wheelchair with pedals, I’ve decided to bring out the portable VHS player.
20. Lets throw indivually wrapped M&M’s on the list too.
21. First class served a rather anomolic item, being a individually wrapped “Twix Bar”, defying thier motto: two for me, none for you.
22. If you’ve heard the clip of Christian Bale’s irate outburst on the set of “Terminator”, a hilarious parody of that would be to have Leverne Troyer (Austin Powers’ Mini-me) to do a mock re-enactment.
23. You can guage the shittiness of an airport based off the name of it, if the airport is named after the city, the airport is nothing special. If its not, then you’re in for a treat: LAX, JFK, Ohare, McCarran, Ect.
24. We all know which airline black people choose: NWA.
25. They should make mock court case names based off common sayings and idioms, like “the case of quanity vs quality”
26. 1 (876) 626-3267 – Quite possible the coolest phone number, 187 on a mf cop.
27. Apple should make commercials using MacGuyver as their spokesman, where MacGuyver is in a tough situation and says, “Ok, I’m going to need an iPhone and… hmm, guess we’re ok”.
28. For a the series fenale of MacGuyver, he should have needed some plutonium, a Delorian, and a flux capictor.

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1. Are there any regular bibles, or are they all holy bibles?
2. The best name for bowling is Zoolander. Then when its “Zoolander’s” turn to bowl, you announce “Hansel” several times, and Zoolander will proceed to bowl.
3. When a tattoo artist puts a tattoo on a woman’s butt, do you think he says “I’m going to tat that ass”?
4. Internet phones should have capability to play music, and then fade out and pause when there is an incoming call, then resume once the call is over. Same with iPhone docks, but I have a feeling all of this already exists.
5. I never understood password security, its suggested that you incorporate either a number or symbol into your password which is only a 10 key possibility (o-9, !, @, #, ect) whereas choosing a letter is a 26 chance probability. You do the math.
6. I’m quite the verbal jouster. After taking jew jitsu, and jewdo, I’ve picked up a little on Rex-kwan-do. This swine-fu seems to be the new it.
7. I can’t believe Les Boland is a name. (Lesbo Land)
8. As far as English prefixes go, the pro in profound doesn’t make any sense. Pro (for, on the side of) and found (to come upon often accidentally or by searching or effort). Not sure where I’m going with this but, a profinder is one who does/says something profound.
9. Supermarket brands of soda always have similar jazzy names: Dr. Thunder, Sunpop, Mountain Maze, ect. However store brand liquor always has unexciting names: rum, vodka, ect., but never anything like Captain rum, Vodkha, or Jose Tequila.
10. Do atheists abide by these same rules: “Put your left hand on the bible and raise your right hand. Repeat after me; do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god.”
11. Whats with henchmen in Bond movies, they are all equally as evil as their leader, will follow them to the end, and seem to have an disturbingly high death rate.
12. The official lamest thing you can do: Dress up as a super hero you made up for Halloween.
13. Ice cream trucks should play music by their region. It would be the traditional song only played with respective instruments. A nice mariachi tone in the Mexican neighborhoods, classical instruments for more upscale neighborhoods, and some extra bass around Compton.
14. You know how Superbowls have those intricate Superbowl logos, each president should have his own too.
15. I often see pens that come with a refill, I’m not sure about you, but the pen never lasts the refill. I usually end up losing the pen, and have a refill sitting around. Why don’t they make like the mechanical pencil and stick it in the barrel somewhere.
16. Speaking of pencils, the old wooden should have markings on the side of them to indicate the number of words you’ve written.
17. “I normally never get star struck, but after watching that movie I can definately say that I’m Star Strek” -Rhoji, upon leaving the theatre of Star Trek XI.

http://www.random.org/integers/

1. How to get out of any bind. Just say “I took care of the problem”, tilt your head (or wink, depending on the situation), and then when they know you’re serious, they’ll walk away, which is perfect timing for a good pat on the butt.
2. I think a state that’s boring with low tourism should boast their monotony in hopes to increase population with the following mottos: “16/5/263″ or “What happens in _____ probably never happened”
3. One of the funniest things to do when you’re bored is read reviews of intentionally bad movies. The bad reviews are sometimes so painful, they’re hilariously clever, but nothing beats sarcastic good reviews. Case and point: Kazaam. I wish I was an English teacher, so I can make students write absurdly positive reviews about it. A’s all around.
4. People from Greece should be called Greasers. Or Greasy.
5. There should be a Blackdonalds, their best selling hamburger? The Nig Mac. Fo sho.
6. McDonalds needs requirements to get inside their store. Like an obstacle course, or perhaps a treadmill platform that opens the sliding doors. Or hell just a pull up bar.
7. Shaquille O’Neil has a really stupid name. First of all his first name rhymes with his last, second of all I don’t get the whole Q thing. How does a Q make a ck sound. Whoever does English should spell quack to quaq. Hilarity ensues.
8. I just registered eBay name UsefulCrap. I can’t believe it wasn’t taken.
9. This HAS to be a typo, if not its a good place for Jews to avoid. http://www.bizwiki.com/dentist/9558876/a-gentile-smile-dental-ctr.htm
10. They should make an alternate ending to Ghostbusters. Where the Ghostbuster’s cannot defeat the Stay Puft Marshmellow man, and call in the help of Hershey’s, various pyromaniacs, and whoever makes graham crackers.

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1. Easy Japanesy, An Asian brothel.
2. Holiday buffet, a new theme for buffets. Instead of having a theme based on the ethnicity of a food (Itialian, Chinese, Ethiopian, etc) it will be based on a holiday, Turkey and trimmings for Thanksgiving & Christmas. Fried chicken, watermelon, and grits for Martin Luther King Day. Hamburgers & Hot Dogs for 4th of July. Best of all for dessert you can grab a handful of candy hearts from the Valentine’s section.
3. Places should have emergency entrances, what if there is a gas cloud or a bad fire outside and you need to run somewhere to safety.
4. Speaking of safety, do bomb shelters have emergency exits or entrances?
5. Greatest quote about Dubya ever: “George Bush was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” -Ann Richards
6. Some STD’s are so badass they get nicknames. Chlamydia has the clap, herpies has herps. Gonorrhea’s nickname? Goonies.
7. I’ve finally discovered a way to descibe how lazy I am. If there was a situation where I had a concussion and needed to stay awake, otherwise I would go into a coma, I would sleep.
8. Not only do soundboards make excellent prank calls, but they make superb voicemails.
9. I just realized how I can prove men are better drivers than women. When you go park valet have you ever seen a woman valet? Thought so.
10. You’ve probably heard this before, but why do they call them bullfighters? They don’t fight them, if anything they try to dodge them. Bulldodgers would be more approprite.
11. I’m sick of colleges selling books. No one actually buys them. Sometimes we do, if the school decides to upgrade the book for the next semester and we can’t sell our books back. Then we buy the book, otherwise we sell them back to the school, which is known as overpriced renting. Colleges should just say rent the book for a semester and make it a little cheaper. If you lose it, then you buy it.
12. They need to make a new Happy Gilmore, but instead of golf, baseball. This time Happy can hit home runs with his ridiculous swing, and as a suspense bringing ender, the pitcher gets hurt and Happy saves the day with his ridiculous pitch!
13. For lack of a better name, the Battlelyzer. Imagine this, a breathalyzer for two people. Two people can go get drunk at a bar, and compete to see who had more to drink. Satisfying the need for natural competition, a great way to make long lasting friendships, but most of all pure debauchery.
14. I love maple, but am unsure what it is. After little research, I found out it is the secretion of beautiful women. Then refined into maple through a bee-like process. It also helps if the women eat cute kittens.
15. People who drink a lot of alcohol should be known as alchemists, not alcoholics.
16. There should be an invention for cars that automatically lowers the volume of your radio (or turns it off) so you can hear the siren of emergency vehicles. Unless it already exists.
17. Moat is a cool word. Mote is stupid. It means something small. Remote is cool. This makes the remote control a really cool invention. Just because of its name. Any who, if you get promoted, then demoted, and then promoted again. It should be called remoted.
18. If someone were interrogating me, and dunking my head in water to try to get me to talk. I would just drink the water, making it easier to stay alive, and hydrating – both needed in a hostile environment.
19. I remember there used to be a term called eracists. I think it was something to do with anti-racism. Or maybe something on MadTV. Anywho, I wonder if the term was invented before the internet. Because now it can easily be mistaken for online racism.
20. I’m surprised there aren’t alcoholic drinks named “cum” or “money”. Then you can give people cum shots and money shots. Har har!
21. The popular way of punishing people in the army is through physical means. Whether it be push-ups or sit-ups. I have a theory that if I can do an infinite amount of both, then I can mouth off all I want, so be that I’m in a push up or sit up position.
22. I’ve discovered a way to win any argument, ever. When the person you’re arguing with says something, simply reply “Now I know you’re just messing around”. The trick is to do it genuinely and laugh as if the person just said a joke.
23. I never understood why pants and eyeglasses come in pairs, and I never will.
24. Jergens lotion is hilarious. JERGENS? Come on. That lotion was specifically made for jerking off.

* Number between 10-30

http://www.random.org/integers/

1. If there’s a situation where you’re the violator and you’re to be prosecuted, I have a simple solution. Violate the prosecutor.
2. I want to buy a motor home, because then I can tell people I live in my car, and they’ll feel bad for me.
3. I’d like to see a short clip where James Bond needs help with something. Perhaps he wakes up in the morning and his internet doesn’t work, so he has to call tech support to get back online. Maybe he’s having trouble with a woman’s bra. Or someone uses those birthday candles you can blow out, even a simple prank will suffice. Just a quick 30 second clip of Bond suffering from a problem that normal people do.
4. Squirt guns we’re really designed for the winter. If its hot outside, you’d most likely want to be hit with water for a nice blast of refreshment, but during the winter when its cold thats the last thing you want, so naturally you’d avoid getting hit at all costs, just like a real gun.
5. The radio traffic report should have hilarious music playing in the background, while they announce where all the accidents are the Benny Hill theme song, or perhaps the chicken dance.
6. If you’re engaged, but then no longer engaged, does that mean you’ve become disengaged?
7. 4 words: Road rage driving instructor.
8. Next time you go to an electronics store, try ordering everything in weight. Ask for 7 pounds of personal computers, 2 pounds of software, and maybe 9 ounces of digital cameras.
9. Did they ever invent 8-track to cassette converters?
10. One of our problems with society is that there is no real positive reinforcement. If you get in a wreck, you insurance goes up and then you have problems with the DMV and whatnot. If you remain wreckless (ha) for several years you should get breaks at the DMV (or as Dane Cook refers it, Satan’s Asshole).
11. Vegetables have made us lazy. Man used to be a nomad, roaming the earth looking for game to kill and survive with. Then we learned to farm and cultivate, keeping us stationary and therefore lazy. The trade off is that the vegetables are healthier than buffalo (I imagine).
12. Laundry detergents are very boring due to the lack of variety. All the boxes are usually bright boxes featuring a short one or two syllable word that can only be said in a positive manner. My solution? A dark drab grey box with images of dead trees featuring “Decay – Now your clothes can feel like you do.”
13. They have movie awards for practically everything. They need a best montage award. They’re a part of almost every comedy.
14. If you know anybody using Comic Sans please stab them. If you are using comic sans, have someone stab you.
15. While a good system to rate a persons drunkenness, the BAC (blood alcohol content) system has a terrible name. A more appropriate (and funnier) name would be the DUI decimal system. I am seriously a genius.
16. Two terrible outtakes: MeSpace.com – a place for Irish. ImSpaced.com – a place for high people.

* Number between 10-30

http://www.random.org/integers/

1. I love the lizards natural self defense, their tails fall off. Reminds me of trying to tackle or hold someone, and they slip away, while you’re holding their jacket.
2. If I were a band I would name myself “Deleted by the Artist”. My hit song? “Song Has Been”. My first Album would be called CD-R, maybe CD-RW.
3. They should add another homonym to the “their, there, and they’re” and the “to, two, and too” series. The new “to” would be spelt “tu” and the new “there” would be “thair”. Their meanings would be “wildcards” for grown ass adults WHO STILL DO NOT KNOW WHEN TO USE THE PROPER ONE, that way they can only look partly stupid instead of totally stupid.
4. If you find yourself running out of space on your hard drive, open all your word documents and make all the font tiny, it only makes sense, right?
5. Eminem should sponsor the candy M&M’s wearing the cute yellow guys around his neck. Like MC Hammer did with the clock.
6. Coffee shops are pretty popular. This Starbucks thing, that’s practically a controversy. Energy drinks are pretty popular too, with way too many being out on the market. Not to mention that Steven Seagal and Nelly of all people have their face on them. So my idea? A coffee shop like place, but instead of serving coffee, they serve energy drinks, with Red Bull on tap!
7. Vicious Cycle: Quite possibly the greatest name for a bicycle shop.
8. Titanic is way funnier when pronounced Tit-anic.
9. There needs to be a new system for phone numbers. The system we have now is ###-##-## when you tell your number to someone. While this is an OK system, I like ##-####-# better. This helps to avoid confusion when hearing the area code.
10. I bet the Japanese hate the saying “easy japanesy”. There is nothing easy about the Japanese, you ever heard of Sony or Samsung? Or visited Tokyo lately? They should pass the saying “easy chineasy”. You know what, nevermind.
11. This is difficult to grasp without a example: You can substitute time for distance, but not vice versa. Example: I live about 20 minutes away, I’ll see you at the party in about 5 miles.
12. If you die in your sleep you should die in life (kinda like the Matrix). Sleeping needs an element of danger.
13. Comedy Central’s South Park is more genius than you think it is. All of their episode topics make excellent thesis papers. Stem cell research, metrosexuals, hate crimes, etc. Instead of spending time writing some long boring paper about it, they’ve drawn out one of the funniest and intelligent 22 minutes on television. Even more amazing, people buy stuffed version of the retarded kid in a wheelchair, Timmy, for twenty bucks.
14. Have you ever noticed the routine when people try on shoes? They first have a zombie-like walk, sometimes with one of the shoes on and then they jump up and down a couple times. Then they buy it.
15. I like lying to people, but I don’t lie to them to benefit myself, usually I do it for a laugh or to make them feel stupid for believing something so stupid. One of my favorite lies to tell is “I have a phobia of going through metal detectors, and carry around a doctors note because of it.” If they believe that, I tell them that “I think I’m going to step through another dimension.” If they believe that, I mention that “The doctors will probably let me name the phobia.”
16. Another one of my favorite lies to tell people “The reason spicy chicken is so spicy, is because they feed chicken spicy food.” When they respond with really, that is about the hardest straight face to keep.
17. I was never a fan of the saying “If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime”. Essentially if you can do the time, by all means do the crime. The rich can pay things they get fined for, and those with nothing to live for are practically free to do anything. Should be changed to “if you can do the time, please don’t commit any crimes whatsoever.”
18. Why do black people have such colorful last names? I know a lot of black people with the last name: Black, Brown, Green, White, etc. And the Mexicans and everything ending with a Z.
19. Today’s TV Theme show songs suck. They aren’t very catchy, are typically some mediocre bands best song, and definitely can’t be techno remixed. Night rider for life!
20. One of my favorite things to do in an elevator is to stand facing everyone, because of the awkward eye contact, and the fact its hilarious. I’ve decided to take it a step farther and decided to make up a stand-up routine and tell it, because if I can awkwardly make sober strangers in an elevator laugh, then I know I’ve made it.
21. I always thought it was pre-menstrual cycle, and should be called PMC. Because if the S stands for syndrome, which means when they’re PMS’ing that really means they’re syndroming, which makes no sense (according to my spell check). But if it was PMC’ing, that would mean they’re cycling, which some people do for a living.

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(Pardon me while I recycle these)

I unfortunately think most of my ideas in three places:

1. In the bathroom when I forget a magazine, which means I also forget to bring something to jot with.
2. Before falling asleep, where I am too lazy to write something down.
3. When I’m walking somewhere, so I usually have to try to figure out what the hell I wrote down later.

http://www.random.org/integers/

1. MC Hammer has adsense on his blog. At least he’s chosen a better entourage.
2. The reason men like women with short hair is because it reminds them of elves, or little boys. The reason women like short hair on themselves, is because they wish to be a more superior sex.
3. Don’t ever say “I gotta take a dump.” No one’s giving anything. The correct saying should be “I gotta give a dump.”
4. Two different Mondays should be used to ultimately decide who is the better driver: Men or women. One on of those Mondays only women will be allowed to drive, and men will be compensated for their income for that day (then vice-versa). This works even better, because everyone will be on their best behavior. My guess is that women on their best behavior will be equal drivers to men who will not act on better behavior, because we are bad asses and will think to ourselves we can just drive regularly while conducting this test.
5. Now that food has replaced sex, I can’t even get into my own pants.
6. I think instead of using bears as the icon of little girls bedrooms, they should use a animal that is harmless when not stuffed, rhinos seem appropriate.
7. If a singer or band releases their first album, they should name it label it their “greatest hits” album, because its true.
8. Never argue with an idiot, people may not be able to tell the difference.
9. The nice thing about eating whole foods, is that when you die, its due to natural causes.
10. I’m going to invent: G-Sauce, hot sauce for Christians.
11. The Major and the General rank should be switched in the military. As far as words are concerned, something major is more important that something in general. If I didn’t know about generals esteemed reputation, I’d assume a major is more important, because  something major is a pretty big deal, generally speaking.
12. Don’t you hate it when you see a picture of yourself, and you’re wearing the same shirt you are in the picture.
13. I don’t like the saying something smells funny. It reminds me of that joke about the cannibal clown, asking if this tastes funny, which sort of makes sense. If anything smells funny, it would be laughing gas.

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