Pandas need to go the way of the dodo.

I love panda bears as much as the next person. Face it, they’re cute – if it were possible, I would probably walk up to one and hug it or even try to ride it. Of course, no one in their right mind would do that with any other bear; you would have to be pretty crazy to approach a polar bear. So, what do we do with these giant, nimble, agile, fast beasts? (who happen to be excellent swimmers and climbers) We make them as cute and harmless as possible, give them to kids, make cartoons of them, and once a year we package a heart, chocolates, flowers, and mylar balloons with them and give them to women hoping to get in their pants. That, however, is not what this post is about. So pandas – all other bears are pretty much omnivorous, except polar bears, which eat cute animals and snow cones. Pandas eat plants, but not any plants. Just one. That’s right, this animal is so stupid it only knows how to eat bamboo. The only food they can eat, they can’t even digest properly, nor do they get the proper nutrition from it, and because of this they have to eat a lot of it, roughly 20 to 30 pounds, and that takes 9 hours. When they’re not eating, they’re trying to be lazy, or sleeping. Luckily, they don’t really have any predators other than humans, the only species dumb enough to harm retards – they may be able to fend for themselves in nature, only because they are too fat to run away. Maybe it is because they have the greatest camouflage system ever, one that hides them very well in jungles and forests (sarcasm). Their camouflage has evolved to that of a black and white bulls-eye pattern scattered throughout their body. Panda’s are in fact so lazy, they don’t go to the effort of finding a mate, so breeding among them is not very common. In the rare instance they do intercourse each other, it only lasts 30 seconds. Granted the panda gets pregnant, half the time the panda will give birth to twins, but the panda can only look after one of them, leaving the other to die. Also, when a panda first gives birth it often doesn’t recognize the screaming infant and may kill it, or the mother just may reject it at will. Their poor diet also leads to pink malnutritioned rat-like offspring. Did it ever dawn on anyone that they are endangered for a reason? I don’t understand the need to save something just because it is on a special list. If we saved every stupid creature on the world, we would have birds that fly into each other, and really nice buffets. Who knows: maybe pandas ate dodo, passenger pigeons, and other extinct animals. That’s Darwinism for you. Pandas have no impact on the food chain. I don’t understand the fascination behind them anyways, other than the fact they’re incredibly cute. When I go to the zoo, I want to see animals do something interesting, which most animals manage to do at least slightly. Foraging for ants? Interesting. Pacing around their enclosure looking mean and intimidating? Interesting. Sniffing things? Not world-shattering, but it’s something. Pandas? Mind-numbingly boring. Hundreds of millions are spent on an animals that is slowly committing suicide, whereas that money could be spent on useful species, or rainforest space, something.

To recap:

• Pandas seem approachable, unlike every other bear. They probably aren’t either, seeing as they have a moat and a cage at zoos.
• Pandas only eat bamboo. A food they can’t digest properly and doesn’t give proper nutrition.
• Pandas are by nature lazy, purposefully avoiding inclines and sleeping more than half their life.
• Pointless camouflage system.
• Bad at reproducing – You’d think they learn a little something about reproducing being in China and all.
• They have no impact on the food chain, we’re not experiencing a bamboo infestation.
• Absurd amounts of money are spent on a species trying to, by nature, kill themselves off.

My solution: Let them give a slight balance to the class system. Let the poor hunt the remainder of existing Panda’s, and since they are so scarce and rare, their furs and meat can be sold at either ridiculously high fixed rates or an auction system. Lets face it, anything panda-related would be limited edition; limited edition being some stupid word that makes enthusiasts and collectors spend copious amounts of money. There are people out there who want to be the only person who had a panda burger, or if you can live with the guilt; a stuffed panda, mounted panda head, or even a panda bear rug. Or we can train passenger pandas (like the passenger pigeon), to send messages back and forth between armies. Of course they wouldn’t be shot by anyone, but since they are lazy, they would die on their own accord, for a good cause, as all wars are for a good cause. Hopefully if pandas go away, so will Panda Express; that place is awful. That is what this is all really about anyways.